Habit 5: Seek First To Understand

I should have done this last week, but I chose to do other things last week. :)

The idea behind this habit is that all too often we listen to people with the intent to reply, not to truly understand the other person. In our quest to be understood--something most everyone desires--it is possible to ignore the other person completely, hear only part of what they are saying, or filter what they are saying through our own experiences. Based on that "experience," we think we understand the other person and are quick to offer advice, but it may not even be asked for or relevant.

Should you not provide advice when someone talks to you? If they ask for it or if there is a high level of trust in the relationship, sure. But don't be quick to offer it unless they specifically ask.

Truly listening to someone is hard work. By truly listening, you "get inside their mind." You listen not only with your ears, but your eyes and your heart. You listen to the words, you look for non-verbal cues, and listen with your heart to find the meaning and feeling that comes through in the other person's voice.

Listening itself seems fairly straightforward. What isn't so straightforward is the mindset that goes along with listening. Listening with the intent of understanding requires you to put your agenda and your ego aside. Don't try and take over the conversation, ask questions of the person to help draw out their thoughts and feelings or to clarify something you're missing. Really try and see the world as the other person sees it. Echo that understanding to the other person so they can confirm your understanding.

This ability to understand things from the other person's view is one of the things that makes me an effective technical support person. However, I need to work on this with other people--particularly my son. I had an incident with my son recently where my wife was not particularly happy with how I was handling the situation, so she took over. Later, I had a conversation with her about the situation. Instead of trying to say why I was right and she was wrong, I took the time to seek understanding. I told her up-front that my goal was to understand what the issue was and that I primarily wanted to listen. Well I got an earful.

I am not going to rehash the entire conversation, but the big thing that fell out of it was that my wife really felt I wasn't seeking understanding with my son--someone who desperately needs it. The particular situation with my son would have been much better had I seeked understanding instead of doing what I did. That hurt, but my wife was right.

Doing the work to seek understanding up front is much easier than it is to go back and correct misunderstandings later on.

tags: 7 habits, self improvement